What Postpartum Depression Did to Me.


If you have children, you have probably been told about Postpartum Depression. But have you been told about the actual dangers around Postpartum Depression? I wasn’t.  Having my first child was supposed to be a joyous occasion for my husband and I; for the most part it was. With all of the day dreams I had, I was excited to step into my new role as a mother. After having a major miscarriage the September before my son was born I knew I wanted to be a mother. I fell into a really bad depression and could hardly function. By January we were pregnant and overwhelmed with joy. I was taken off of work and put on bed rest due to having a history of complications staying pregnant. We thought everything was finally looking up for us, what I never told anyone is that my depression was getting worse. I played it off like I was fine and even started to believe that myself.

As my due date grew closer I became more anxious. Not about having my son finally with us, in fact it was about everything else. We lived in the neighborhood both my mother and I grew up in with the same neighbors yet I started locking my doors, even during the day. I was constantly scared someone was going to break into my apartment. I always had it in my head that my husband was cheating on me even though I knew he wasn’t. I had never been an anxious person before and couldn’t understand what was happening to me.

After Emmett was born, I was happy for a while. I was relieved to be home with my husband and to start my new life as a stay at home mom. Two weeks later the crying started and I couldn’t stop. All I did was cry, I hated myself, I hated everyone. I felt like I had let this little boy down already, I knew it wasn’t true, but the thoughts kept coming. Emmett was around three months old when I finally called my doctor and told her about how I was feeling, she confirmed it was postpartum depression. I started an anti depressant and everything seemed to be getting better. I wasn’t as angry, I was feeling productive in my role as a mother and a wife. I was working out and losing all of the weight I had gained, I was starting to be my “old goofy self” again.

The medication helped me get my life back on track and I was truly happy. By Emmett’s first birthday we had gotten pregnant again, we wanted our kids close in age but didn’t think it would happen as soon as it did. I had to stop my medication immediately because of the effects it could have on the baby during pregnancy. I was not informed I needed to wean off of the medication and soon became angry again. The stress of pregnancy and a toddler was wearing me down. I was sick constantly and Emmett was getting to be a lot on me, even though he was just being a normal toddler. I once again started getting anxious over everything and could hardly function. I was falling deeper and deeper into my depression and anger and couldn’t see what it was doing to me.

Three months before Norva was due Matthew accepted a job that was two hours from where we lived. This meant he was going to be gone during the week and only home on weekends. Because we only had one vehicle I had to pick him up Fridays and drop him off Sundays. It was a lot on my heavily pregnant body and mind. Especially being alone with Emmett during the week. I had a lot of help between my cousin who lived with me , my sister who lived next to me, and my mother who came almost every week, but it wasn’t the same as having my husband around.

When Norva arrived I thought that all of the depression would finally be over. I wanted to so badly to believe that, but it was so different from what actually happened.

My depression hit an all time high after having my daughter. I was lashing out at friends and family, I was angry and yelling all of the time, all my husband and I did was fight, and I never saw any of this. I couldn’t understand what was going on around me, I couldn’t see what I was doing to the people who loved me. I couldn’t even see the toll it was taking on my kids to have a mother like that. A mother who was always upset or mad, a mother who would get frustrated at the smallest things, a mother who would be in a bad mood all day because of something silly. My son had started to bite his nails and I couldn’t make any connection with my daughter who was only a few months old at the time. Breast feeding became more and more difficult, all I wanted to do was give up. I didn’t feel like I was good enough to be a mother, I felt like they would be better off with out me, that my husband would be fine with out me. I went between thoughts of suicide and running away from my family. In this time frame we made a major move. It is is where everything got worse and worse for me. It was winter time, I was secluded in a town where I didn’t know anyone, my husband was still gone for days at a time, and I was alone with two small kids and no vehicle. I had no help and felt like I had no allies. This is when I knew I had a problem and began looking up the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression. What I found is that I didn’t have the signs for just postpartum depression, I also had the signs of postpartum anxiety.

Just as I was figuring this out, I was always making excuses as to why I couldn’t get help. Some excuses were even so far fetched that I didn’t even believe them. I knew I needed to get help, but I felt like such a failure not just my kids and husband, but to myself as well. I no longer recognized the person looking back at me, I could no longer recognize the sound of my own voice, and I couldn’t place who was thinking these thoughts about suicide, there was no way that could have been me. I spent so many nights crying trying to figure out where the real me had gone and looking for any trace of her I might still have left. I could never find the happiness I once had, or the passion, things I used to love doing I now hated or couldn’t do anymore. I hated everything and everyone, mostly myself and what I had become.

In March of 2017 we made another major move, this time closer to my husband work. This meant we would be together as a family everyday and I would be able to get the help I needed. But at first I didn’t. The first two weeks I felt amazing, I was happy, we were all together as a family again. I was getting out and exploring my new town and meeting the neighbors. My postpartum depression and anxiety soon came back with vengeance. I became so angry with my husband for moving me so far from my home. I was so angry that I had no one I could call to sit with the kids for an hour while I de-stressed. I felt even more secluded than I did when I literally had no one. To say my marriage was on thin ice would be an understatement, we were both just waiting for the other to say it was over. Once again, instead of getting help, I just blamed everyone else, this time my husband got the worse of my lashing out. He no longer wanted to be around me, we both could feel the tension and knew something needed to give.

When our marriage hit an all time low and I left for a weekend, I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the lack of responsibility I felt. It was a much needed break that gave me time to get the clarity to see my life, where it had gone, and what I needed to do about it all. I decided when I returned back home I would be calling around for a therapist to finally do something about this. I told my husband of my plan and that I would require his help and support to make all of this work. I made sure we were on the same page 100% before I jumped into anything.

After a week of calling around, I found a therapist I felt comfortable meeting with. We have had several meetings since and I can honestly say it is doing so much good for me. I told her about all of the feelings I had and my thoughts to look into medication. She suggested working out as well so I joined a gym that week. I also recently started a new anti-depressant and can feel such progress in my life and see my relationships improving. I am no longer lashing out at people, my mood has improved and I actually feel happy. I am making huge strides in the gym and my physical well being, all around I feel like I am getting back to normal.

When ever I talk to people about this time in my life, I am completely honest with them. I don’t want anyone to go through what I have been dealing it. I know the strides I am currently making are not a quick fix and that this will take time. But I am ready for that fight and get my life back.

If you or someone you know has had a child in the past 12 months and are showing any signs or symptoms, please call your doctor. You don’t have to fight this alone. According to http://postpartumprogress.org  15% of women are affected by postpartum depression.

Postpartum Depression signs:

  • Excessive crying
  • Sever panic and anxiety attacks
  • Intense anger or irritability
  • Difficulty bonding with baby
  • Thoughts of death of suicide

Postpartum Psychosis signs:

  • Confusion
  • Obsessive thoughts about baby
  • Paranoia
  • Delusions and hallucinations


Thank you for taking the time to read my experience with postpartum depression and what it did to me. I hope this post can help you or someone you know. Having a good support system is so important. Remember you are loved and you are worth it.

Fitness Update: Week 3

Last week I told myself I would make it to the gym at least 4 days, well that didn’t happen. Friday we ended up having an emergency situation (don’t worry, everyone is okay) so I only made it in 3 days. But I can honestly say I pushed myself a little more than I normally do. More and more I am feeling the progress my body is making. I noticed shorts I bought less than a month ago fit me better than they did in store. I also noticed that some of my undies are now a smidgen too big on me…..

My biggest challenge is going to be getting my lose skin around my stomach to tighten back up. I’m not fully sure that is even possible? I can feel my abs under all of it, but nothing shows..yet. Being pregnant back to back only made matter worse for my lose skin, but I intend to do what I can with it. If I have to start wearing shape-wear, I will.

It also doesn’t help that I have done nothing but eat like crap the past 2 weeks. I really need to step up my meal prep and planning game. I should probably start doing that soon as I have to go to the grocery store this evening.

I will be posting my progress photos soon with details on what machines I have been doing and how many inches I am down. My hips are already pretty close to what they were before ever having children, which is exciting.

What ever goals you have, I hope you are working hard to meet them. Happy Monday!

Fitness Update: Week 2.

My weekend was insanely busy, which resulted in me only going to the gym Monday-Wednesday. I don’t really like how that feels.

Monday was my first ever Yoga class and it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. See, I’ve done a bit of Yoga on and off in the past, but it is different when you have a teacher to follow. My teacher kept telling us to listen to our bodies and go at our own pace, not to strain and only do what we could. I was able to do almost everything smoothly, except for planks. My abdominal walls are stretched out and weak due to have two kids back to back. I hope to continue Yoga weekly.

Tuesday I did a Barre class and that was about what I expected it to be. I used to dance ballet, so I knew what to expect. But I am so so so far out of shape that it felt impossible to keep up. My body wore out so fast that I was shaking 20 minutes into the class. I still intend to do Barre classes here and there. I’m not sure if I will do them weekly though. At least not yet.

Wednesday I spent my time at the gym on the weight machines. My trainer has set up a chart of machines I should use to help me get the results I am looking for. I tried to do an even amount on each machine, but different body parts have different strength and weaknesses so I stopped when my body had enough. I focused a little bit more on my arms and abs. I know I shouldn’t be able to yet, but I can already tell a difference in my arms. I have been able to see the difference in my legs for a few days now, which is lovely. With my arms when I hold them out at shoulder width, the muscles feel tighter.

Over the weekend we had my daughters birthday party and surprisingly I didn’t eat like crap like I normally would. Normally I would shove 6 cupcakes into my mouth, this time I didn’t. I think I had two, I drank a lot of water and made sure I was portioning my food. In the past week my eating has been so much better, I have been drinking more water and less coffee, and all around I am in a much better mood.

Over all I can say I am really glad I finally took the push to join a gym. The women who work there are all so supportive and helpful. I don’t feel embarrassed to work out there in front of other people like I have at co-ed gyms. There is a steady flow of people working out, but it is never cramped when I go in the evening and the machines I use are almost always available. I am happy with how my past two weeks have gone, I can’t wait to keep it up.

Fitness Update: Week One.

Last week I posted about me journey into losing this baby weight I have been carrying. I decided I am not going to focus on losing the weight, rather than getting fit. The weight loss will just be a welcomed response to my body changing.

So far last week I have hit the gym 3 times, got talked into trying a class they call “Power 30”, and met with my trainer. I am actually going to be meeting with her later this morning as well. I wish I had gone more last week, but I didn’t want to exhaust my body. I am still pretty sore from Thursday.

I kind of feel like a little kid on their birthday, you play with your new toy for a few days but the charm wears off. I don’t think the charm will wear off with this though. I can honestly say I am very happy with my first week and can already feel the progress, mostly in my legs.

I notice the days I work out in the morning I tend to make better choices in food through out the rest of the day. I really liked being active at 5 am and the rest of my day following went very well. I was more upbeat, happy, not so tired and wore out. My kids even had a really good day.

I am excited to share my progress with everyone.

I know you tried.

Six months ago when we saw each other, my focus was heavily on
the last 10 years of your life. “How do we fix this?” I asked you drunk
on my bedroom floor. I could see your pain, and your worry, and more
than anything I wanted to make it all go away.

I wanted to see you succeed, and selfishly, I wanted to love a healthier
version of you. I believed in you, and I knew if you needed
me, you would call. Others got angry and resentful, some were just
sad, and others I’m sure just tried to take away all of your personal
space. Loving you was hard, but you know that, you struggled with it
more than we did.

There’s no actual road map to loving someone who struggles so
deeply. And I know for certain you weren’t handed the directions either.
Everyone now is wondering the same thing “what could I have done
different.” And I’m sure that most of us have a pretty long list… but for
myself the one thing I know I could have done was not convince
myself that this could never happen.

And there comes a point where stopping the struggles seemed
to overshadow simply just loving each other. Phone calls, texts and visits
started to come out of necessity and not desire. The 5 hour drive became
the easy answer to any invitation, and we both just accepted it…
And any distance I put between us, it didn’t actually save me from any pain.
Because it really could happen, and it fucking did.

You died.
You fucking died.

At first anger took over my life you wouldn’t believe dude. Not even a
rational anger that had any direction, just hot rage coming out of every
pore of my body. I spent a week walking around in a haze trying to
catch my breath and get the brick in my stomach to go away. People
keep asking me how I’m doing, and I’m running out of bad jokes and
fake smiles.

You fucking died.

But I’m not angry anymore, not for a single thing that ever happened.
See, the thing is, I KNOW how hard you tried. I know how deeply you
loved everyone in your life. Most of all I know how badly you
wanted to love life and yourself. I know, if you could have ended up
doing this differently, that you would have.

My heart will never truly understand how this could ever be real, losing
you has been the worst experience I can actually remember. But you
haven’t let me down love, because I know you always tried.



EDIT: The guest writer wishes to stay anonymous. I do not own the rights to this letter.

Starting My Weight Loss Journey.

It is a few days late, 5 days actually. But I am officially ONE YEAR postpartum! My sweet baby girl turned ONE on June first. I still remember that morning like it just happened. It is true, you never really forget your labor or the first time you meet your baby.

I was induced due to high complications and pre-eclampsia. I was in labor all of 3 hours, shaking from the pain that seemed to be worse than my first time in labor. Both of our heart rates dropped low, I had to wear an oxygen mask, Norva had to have a pin placed on her head while still in utero to monitor her heart rate. I honestly did not think we would both make it out alive. Once I was fully dilated and it was time, she took all of 10 minutes to arrive.

I knew by the way she entered this world she would give us the ride of our lives. And so far that is exactly what she has done. She is stubborn, fierce, a little mouthy, and fearless, but also the most loving and happiest little girl I have ever met.

I am also excited to announce that I am getting back into my workouts. For anyone who has had two under two will know what I mean when I say the first year is an adjustment. Sometimes it’s longer than a year. I have been battling postpartum depression, anxiety, confidence, and much more. I have just recently come open about everything I have been trying to deal with in hopes to inspire someone else, or even let them know they are not alone.

I have always had body issues for as long as I can remember. I tried so many different fad diets, pills, not eating anything at all. With both of my pregnancies combined I gained 84 lbs.


Start weight: 136 lbs. Day he was born: 189 =53 lbs.


Start weight: 172 lbs. Day she was born: 220 =48 lbs.

My current weight is 173, although it seems to flux from 169 to 174.

My postpartum care was so different between Emmett and Norva. After having Emmett I was doing yoga everyday and some light weights. In the spring and summer I was walking 4 miles everyday. I ate a fantastic diet cutting out sugar and red meats. I hit a low of 157 lbs but some where, somehow I gained 15 lbs before getting pregnant with Norva. After Norva was born my body seemed to heal faster, but my will and motivation to do anything was gone. She was my spring baby, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk at all, work out, or even eat. I was under and impressively high amount of stress after having Norva that some days it was impossible to get out of bed, but I had to. I was home alone with the kids Monday morning-Friday night with no help. We moved twice after having Norva, which caused more stress. Plus the stress that comes with breast feeding, a toddler, money, everything really. I was in such a bad spot mentally that I let my physical go.

I am starting to feel better about myself and my life, which is giving me motivation to work out and get healthy again. It really isn’t about the weight at this point, it is more about gaining confidence and mental clarity to be the best person I can be. Sure losing the weight is a plus, but I want to be healthy, I want to not be winded while walking up a flight of stairs with a kid on each hip, I want to have more confidence in myself all around.

Sunday I went grocery shopping and 90% of what I bought was produce. The rest was healthy alternatives to snacks, some gluten free items, and non dairy. You could say my diet changes follow some Paleo or Keto guide lines. My work outs are consisting of Barre, yoga, walking, and some light weight lifting. My body seems to take fast to working out, so I plan to be updating my progress every couple of weeks. I haven’t worked out a schedule for that yet.

I am excited to share my progress with all of you and clue you in to my recipes and work outs I have been doing. I also hope to hear from all of you on input or challenges you think I should try, even telling me what worked for you when losing the baby weight. You can comment here or email me at Chaoswithsugar@gmail.com

What to add in an “About Me”

Have you ever had to write about yourself but started to draw a blank? I have. You would think that writing about ones self would be easier than it is. The key to a great “about me” section is the things you wouldn’t think of including. When I read a persons about me, I like to know they took a lot of time and care into writing it by adding things other than how many cats you have, how tall you are, or that you like football. Tell me the names of your cats and how they got them Tell me about how you are the tallest (or shortest) person in your family. Tell me about how you love football because your since passed grandpa took you to every home game of your favorite team.

For example, I have red hair, but not only do I have red hair, there is only one red head in each generation in my family. My great grand mother, my aunt (it skipped a generation) my self, and my daughter is starting to show signs of red in her hair.

I have included some questions I think about when writing about myself.

  1. Your name- Lizze, Lizz, Eliza, Elizabeth. Your pick
  2. Something Surprising- See upper paragraph about red hair for example.
  3. Interest most people don’t know you have- 
  4. Cool fact about your home town- My home town is famous for a few reasons. The biggest being The Great Balloon Rally and The Pink House.
  5. Tell us why you love/don’t love your home town-
  6. What you wanted be when you were 7-
  7. Your goal for this month- My biggest goal for the month of June is to change my eating habits and diet.
  8. Your goal for this year- This year I want to get more organized with my finances and keep better track of our spending. I also want to lose some of the baby weight I have gained the past three years.
  9. What kind of parent or grandparent you want to be- I want to be the obnoxious supportive mom. The one who makes it to every sporting event, play, competition, the one who invites all of the kids to her house to hang out so they stay out of trouble.
  10. Why you do or don’t want children-
  11. Who was your idol when you were 13-
  12. The meaning behind your domain name- I have had a lot of really off the wall things happen in my life. I also had two kids under the age of 2. My life is literal chaos with some really sweet moments. Hence Chaos with Sugar.
  13. What charity is close to you and why-
  14. How do you like your coffee- Just cream, unless it is ice coffee, than it is 3 cream 3 mocha.
  15. Biggest thing you have changed in the past year-
  16. Favorite book series and why-
  17. What trend you wish would go away- Resting Bi**h Face and the attitude people form around it. Sure some people honestly do look stand offish when they are super friendly, but the trend of being rude just kills me. Smile.
  18. Are you a morning or night person and why- Honestly, I am both. I function well between 5 am to 9 am and 8 pm to midnight. The between hours are for sleeping and kids.
  19. Tell us a cool fact about a family member- Where do I start?
  20. Least favorite movie of the year-
  21. something you are indifferent on-
  22. Weirdest thing you have done for love- 
  23. Your stance on controversial topics- I actually prefer not to discuss these things with people unless I know them really well and can have a comfortable conversation or debate.
  24. Personal opinion about yourself- I have pretty low self confidence. I try really hard to build myself up because I know I am worth it. Someday’s it is harder than others, but I am a constant work in progress.
  25. Do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not- I believe in love at first sight and love on impulse. My husband and I never dated, but we knew each other since we were 18. We have been married for 4  years.

Get creative when you write about yourself. Think about some questions you might ask someone else and answer them. I hope this helps when you write about yourself, or even when you ask others about themselves.

Stay fascinating!

A little more about me.


Introductions are key in any relationship right? I feel it is important to form a some kind of common ground with people, it makes friendships and other forms of relationships run smoother.

So, let me tell you  little bit about myself.

1. Not only was my father adopted, but he was adopted by a family with a super unique last name. In fact we are the only family in the United States with this last name. I never actually knew how aggravating a common last name was until I got married and shared a name with 4 other people in my home town.

2. My husband and I never actually dated. We met six and a half years ago on campus at college and instantly connected. Four years ago I text him (Yes, a text) and told him I loved him. Six months later I was standing bare foot in the rain marrying the man of my dreams. By our first anniversary I had our first kid. It might not sound like much of a love story, but it is.

3. Despite being a pretty bad blogger, I am going to push myself to new goals. I have at least 5 other blogs I started and have done nothing with, I have no idea how to do pretty make up or hair, I don’t live in a fancy house that has perfect lighting for photos, I’m often inconsistent with my writing, and my kids are wild animals.

4. My stress level is incredibly high. I’m actually surprised I haven’t had a stroke or something major happen yet. In 1 years time Matthew started a new job when I was 7.5 months pregnant with our second taking him out of town 6 days a week, we had a baby leaving us with two under 2, we then moved and then a few months later we had to move again. But I have learned new ways of coping with my stress and feel as if I handle it all very well.

5. I was horribly picked on as a teen. I have always had such horrible, horrible acne. I don’t mean a few pimples here and there, I mean the kind of acne you have to take medicine for and get professional treatments done. I am 25 and still break out horrible. The acne has calmed down a lot, but I have a lot of scars from my teen years.

6. I knew I was pregnant before it showed up on blood work. You know that “intuition” women talk about. It’s real. I knew I was pregnant with my first child when I was about three weeks along. With my second child I had literally just conceived not long before telling my doctor I need blood work done. My HCG levels with my second were about 267 when I got the call to confirm I was pregnant. I had been telling my husbands for 2 weeks I was pregnant but he didn’t believe me until the doctor called.

7. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I don’t see children outside playing. All of my childhood was spent between being outside on my grandparents farm, at our camp, or at my other grandparents houses. In the summer my cousins on my mom’s side and I would spend from the time we woke up until the time we went to bed outside swimming, walking the fields and hills, catching fire flies. When on the farm I was outside bringing the cows in to be milked, gathering egg, or just playing with the cats and following my grandparents. I think kids and parents benefit more being outside.

8. I’m a wanna be baker. I love baking cookies, cupcakes, breads, everything! I spend a good chunk of my night watching videos on cake decorating and baking; I am always looking for something new to try. I have had dreams of opening a bakery once my children are much older. I love to cook as well, but baking is my favorite.

9. I think my best feature is my hair. It is a natural bright copper color. I often have women stop me just to ask who colors my hair, they are always surprised when I tell them it is not colored. I used to hate my red hair. I colored it often because I felt embarrassed, but as an adult I have learned to embrace the color with a whole new confidence.

10. If I could change anything in my life, it would be to eat healthier and work out more while I was pregnant. Both pregnancies were extremely difficult on my body, I spent a good part of both on bed rest. With Emmett I gained over 50lbs, mostly due to eating nothing but cake and McDonalds. With Norva I gained around 40lbs, I was more active when pregnant with her because I had to chase Emmett all over. I also ate better with her, but not as well as I should have.

Thank you for reading =)

Dear Father.

Hey dad,

Remember me? That once bright eye girl who you watched cartoons with? Do you remember how I used to look up to you, not because I was little and had to, but because you were my hero. Do you remember all of the walks on grandma and grandpas farm, or that time I was asleep on the couch and you surprised me with a puppy? Do you remember when we both met your birth sister for the first time?

I do

Do you remember that morning at all? Taking me to grandma and grandpa’s house? I went with grandpa in the tractor, you said you were going to shoot woodchucks, I fell asleep, you didn’t come home.


I also remember the lump in moms throat when she said you were gone. The hurt in everyone’s eyes when they looked at me during the funeral. I wasn’t sad at first, in fact it took me years to be sad.

I was sad when I was 8 and didn’t have a father to make a card for on Fathers Day.

I was sad when I was 14 and so confused about everything. I wanted to hate you so bad for what you did.

I was sad when I was 16 because you weren’t there to teach me to drive. Or when I broke up with a boy friend and needed someone to talk to.

I was sad when I was 18 and you weren’t at my graduation. Or when I was sexually assaulted at college. When I spent months drunk and high so I didn’t think about it.

I was angry when I was physically assaulted by a “boyfriend” and you weren’t there to protect me.

I was sad when I met my now husband and you weren’t there to meet him.

I was sad when I got in engaged and couldn’t call you.

It broke my heart when I got married and you couldn’t walk me down the isle.

It broke my heart when we found out we were pregnant with our first child, when we found out it was a boy, and when I had him. I sat alone in that room holding your grandson crying because you weren’t able to meet him. He looked just like you.

I was sad when Emmett had to have surgery at 4 months old and you weren’t there to keep me calm.

It broke my heart when my father in law passed away. This meant Emmett didn’t have a grandpa of his own blood anymore.

It hurt me even more when we didn’t have a dad to call when we got pregnant again and were due on your birthday. Or when we found out it was a girl. She has red hair just like me and a such an attitude.

I have been angry with you for the way you left because I don’t understand. Everyday I try to think of some way of explaining to my kids why you are not here with us. I’m not sure I can even answer their questions about who you were as a person when I don’t remember. You left me with so many broke memories and unanswered questions.

I guess I just want to know why?

Catfish; The Truth. Pt1

I started this post in December of 2015. The first time I wrote it I was pregnant and in a rage wanting my story to get out there. I never proof read it. I am revisiting this post and re-posting it.


How many of you are familiar with the term “Catfish”? Probably quite a few. For those of you who are new to this term, it means “to lure someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona.” There is show on MTV called Catfish where these two men help people seek out who has “Cat fished” them and exposes the truth. I believe that there was also a movie made about this sort of thing.
My story starts in 2010, it was early morning and I was getting ready for school. There were only a few months left of my senior year and I would be starting college in the fall. I woke up, and checked my Facebook like I did every morning; what teenage girl doesn’t? I saw I has a new friend request and decided to check it out. My heart stopped and sped up all at the same time. That name, there were only two people in the entire United State’s with that name, one of which being my deceased father; The other was my possible brother who was placed into foster care shortly after birth in 1989. I quickly added the profile and sent them a message. I should disclose that all messages are repeated word for word, spelling, grammar, and all.
April 7th, 2010
Me: “So you might possibly be the brother I have been looking for since I was 16. Because my dad’s name was Neil and if you are a jr than you must be his. So if this is true then message me back asap!”
He later responded with
“Neil”- “yea he was my dad. he gave me up to my moms husband when i was 6 month my mom said i had a sister from him by a jenny girl right”
me: “well my good sir. you are my brother”

We went the rest of the evening with minimal talking. He claimed he was in the army and currently in Iraq at the time. Being 18, not knowing any better, and not really having a reason to suspect anything; I believe him. I thought it really WAS him. I would later on find out the sick truth. Months went on of us talking though Facebook. I told him about who I was as a person, the foods I liked, things I did for fun, where I was going to college, and asked him about himself. He was very short in his answers. He claimed he had been living in the same area as I had and that he had been home from the military to his mothers in Friendship NY 3 times over the last few years. He told of how he saw some of our Fathers family but that they never said anything to him. I wanted to tell him it is because none of them knew about him until he added them on Facebook, but I left that alone. He then began to tell me that his mother was currently living in Colorado with his youngest sister, and that she had been there for around 1 year. Looking back at the conversation I should have caught onto that, it was his first real slip up in this web of lies. He also stated that he had been stationed there before being shipped out. I knew there was mostly Air Force bases out in Colorado, but in some later investigation I found that there is in fact a A base out there for the Army itself.
I asked him if we could meet and he agreed. But this is where things began to go down hill and get weird. He would always claim to be close to New York, but could never come to meet me. Once he said he was on base in Georgia, I offered to go there. At that point I had both a car and the money, the trip would have been nothing. He claimed he was being sent back to Afghanistan. I kind of stopped trying to meet him at this point.
One day it all came to an rushing realization that I was being “Cat fished.” A few of his posts on Facebook and a lot of his mothers posts have been since deleted; I do have some screen shots I will be adding. But I do remember this vividly. January 22 2012 “Neil” claimed he was in a hotel room in Dubois PA and would be on his way home in the morning.

January 24th, 2012:
“hi im on neil’s facebook my name is derik hess i have no way of getting a hold of his family but he is in the hospital right now. i served with him in iraq.”

(-Please take a minute to note that the spelling and grammar is the same as the messages between Neil and I in the upper portion of this post. )
In the comments, this “derik” stated
“im trying to get a hold of his mom some one has to make some desitions medical ones i cant.”

Yes, I know decisions is spelled wrong, this is an exact quote from Facebook.
January 26th 2012.
“hi this is neils friend again how do i say this i got a hold of his mom but neil is not going to make it through he did say he had one wish for his sisters if they do love him. they would give him a promies to stick by each other and them to be close to his mom. and to do this for life.”
“neil has writen a ltter to all three of his sisters they will be sent out tomarrow to his mom. so please give this guy his dieing wish. he is put on for a heart transplant list. lizzy he wants you to meet his mom. he loved his mom he said he gave her trouble and always didnt like her ways now being in the military he knows it was for his only good”
“he want to be barried near his great grandma stocum.”
“he is saying he wants his family that are close to his mom and friends to be the ones to be aloud at his funeral if he doesnt pull throught.”

January 27th 2012.
“to all neils family and friends neil just passed away. im calling his mom now.”
On this post, many people gave their condolences, except for one person in the Hint family who said this
“Dear military friend. I know you mean well and i can’t imagine how hard it is for you to make that phone call. But I don’t think Facebook is the place to tell people my cousin passed away. Our family should here this from loved ones first. Then after everyone knows about it you post your sincere apologies on the Internet for everyone to read. Otherwise it seems like a prank. I don’t mean to upset you but it seems blunt to write a small comment on the Internet. The last thing you want is for Neil’s close loved ones to find out randomly by their neighbor down the street, who just got off their computer. Please try to be more gentle about such devastating news in the future.”
As many of you might want to read this for yourselves, I will be posting the screen shots with this as the profiles have since been deleted.

Now, shortly after his “death” a Death Certificate was posted up on his profile by his mother; it has since been taken down. This was the real eye opener for me. The Death Certificate stated that Neil died in Philadelphia PA, but the name of the city was spelled with a F, not a PH.. No city is going to spell their name wrong.. Next I looked into the hospital that was on the “certificate.” I currently can not remember the name of the hospital and I wish I had taken a photo, but through some investigation at the time online and asking someone who lived in Philadelphia, this hospital was actually located in Baltimore Maryland. Lastly, the “certificate” had no death seal on it. There was a full photo of the “certificate” posted. You could clearly see it was printed out from the computer seeing as it was on plain white printing paper, no death seal, wrong states hospital, and Philly spelled wrong. Now, Dubois PA to Philly PA takes roughly 4 hours and 23 minutes according to Google. There was a comment made saying he made it there in about 45 minutes. This comment has also been taken down. I do not know for sure, so I could be wrong, but according to a time and flight calculator I used, it takes about an hour and 24 minutes to make it from Dubois PA to Philly PA by Mercy flight. From Philly PA to Baltimore MD is takes right about an hour and 45 minutes by car according to Google Maps. So this means, IF it was real that Neil would have went from Dubois PA to Baltimore MD in under 45 minutes when by car it takes 3 hours and 58 minutes with out traffic. Either way the certificate was a fake, I wish I still had a picture of it to show you all.

This is where I began my own search to find the real life Neil. No matter what site I used, nothing showed up. It was like he never even existed, there are no birth records or even death records. I looked for the death records in the off chance that his mother actually told the truth for once. Nothing is showing for his date of birth or any of the information I had on him; it has all been one dead end after another.I wish I could say that my story is over, but it is so far from. Neil had a sister named Samantha Eck who was also placed in the same foster care as Neil. Their mother also created a Facebook for Samantha. I knew this one was an instant fake because all of the photos she posted were never of the same person; just women and girls with blond hair. Neil’s photos were the same way, but of men with red hair. They were always so low of resolution that you couldn’t tell. Samantha, Neil, and their mother all had the same spelling, misspells, and grammar. I never interacted with Samantha much because I knew she was a fake and honestly was more concerned with my “brother.” After Neil’s “death” Samantha would periodically message me and ask me random questions like if I was going to go see his grave, or if I saw the photos that their mother posted, and she was always trying to defend her mother. Much as Neil had done, saying the same things as he had almost word for word.
I did how ever keep tabs on her profile activity just in case. Around the time she was supposed to meet her bio father, she suddenly went to rehab. No big deal right? These thing’s happen. But her step mother said she wanted to call and make an appointment to come and visit Sam to show their support, this is where it gets gruesome. January 29th 2015 Samantha “killed” herself before she was supposed to meet her bio father.Much like how Neil had a “heart attack” 2 days before we were going to meet. This is really all I have on Samantha.

I have since been in contact with Samantha’s father and step mother.

Now there is Harley who’s last name I don’t even know. According to “Neil” Harley died in a motorcycle accident in Olean NY when he was leaving the fireworks on the 4th of July in 2007. Harley was only a few months younger than I am at the time we would not have been 16, so there is no way he had his motorcycle license. According to “Neil” Harley was hit head on by a semi. With this area being as small as it is, and Olean being only 45 minutes away from where I live, you would think someone would know something about the accident. But every one I asked and every old newspaper from that year, had nothing mentioning a semi hitting a motorcycle head on. And when I say nothing I mean NOTHING. Nothing at all, no where, nothing. Seeing as there was no fake profile for Harley, my story about him stops there.

I later found out that the bio-moms sister had a son who died in a motor vehicle accident around the 4th of July in the early 2000’s. I believe that she got her story for Harley from his death. A family member to Harley said they were told he died by having an engine to a jet fall on him and crush him.
Back around November 2015 I received a Facebook message from my brothers bio-uncle stating that I kidnapped my son from Samantha before she died and that is why she killed herself. I calmly wrote him back and said if he wished I would provide all of the necessary information proving that Emmett was my child. He gave no response and the profile was soon deleted. Now, the brother is the same way as the mother is, Fake profiles everywhere and multiple profiles for themselves. Looking at the profiles of the brother, I realized that the grammar was totally different and the real brothers profiles had a smudge better grammar than the mother. Plus, the bother of the mother called out the mother for faking profiles for her kids and faking their deaths. I have been looking for these comments so I can take photos of them.

I was in Walmart with my husband not long after the message from the the bio-uncle when I noticed a woman watching us. She was moving rapidly between the isle’s and ducking down when we looked her way. It took me about an hour before I realized who it was. It was my Brother’s mother. She had been following us through the entire store while we were there. By the time I realized who she was, it was too late. We left the store immediately. The next evening I was heading into a store in my town when I was approached by a women. This woman began screaming at me about how I kidnapped Emmett and began to show me pictures that were sent to her from my brothers mother. MY BROTHERS MOTHER TOOK PICTURES OF MY CHILD IN WALMART! Now I have NEVER met her in real life, I have never even saw her until the night at Walmart. I quickly set the woman who approached me straight on the fact that Emmett is MY child and I will prove it and that I would also be contacting the police. All the woman could say was that my brother mother is telling everyone that I took my son from Samantha and she left as fast as she could. I had contacted the police and have them handling the situation. I received many messages from friends who have had contact with this woman’s family. I NEVER asked anyone to do this, they did it on their own. One person stated that the mother claimed that my brother was buried in Galeton Pa. Curious, I called and requested death records. This is the man’s exact words.
“That name doesn’t sound familiar. now I could be wrong, but I’m pretty positive we do not have anyone buried in any of our cemeteries under that name. If I do not call you back that means I didn’t find anything.”

At the time I wrote this I had not heard back from the man. Almost a yer later I several family members to my brother told me about a headstone for my brother that was placed on a family plot. I contacted a few people trying to locate what township this cemetery was over saw by, but did not have much luck. I told every person I spoke with my story and they all tried to help me locate where this cemetery was and who would have placed the stone there because they would have needed permission to do so. Some of the family members even tried to figure out who put this stone on the plot as none of them had any idea who did it. Just that it showed up a few years before my brothers fake profile even came to life. They all said they never knew who the stone belonged to until the fake profiles started.

The mother also claimed that Sam and Harley were buried out in Jamestown NY while Neil was in Galeton PA. Now why would you bury your kids in two different states? Who knows. She also stated that she had proof that the existed, Birth certificates, photos, etc. She never once stated that she had custody of them. Of course when you give birth you will have all of that information regardless if they were taken from you or not. And she was allowed photos of her children before and even after they were adopted. A family friend did what they call “Medicaid runs” to Hunt NY once a week so she could see her kids. Hunt is the last known location we had of Neil, this is where the search started for me.
I know this was all kind of long. But I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. I felt that it was time people heard my side of everything. I will be writing more about my life after all of this happened, including the meeting of my brother.

I have included only a few photos I obtained during my investigations.