Dear Father.

Hey dad,

Remember me? That once bright eye girl who you watched cartoons with? Do you remember how I used to look up to you, not because I was little and had to, but because you were my hero. Do you remember all of the walks on grandma and grandpas farm, or that time I was asleep on the couch and you surprised me with a puppy? Do you remember when we both met your birth sister for the first time?

I do

Do you remember that morning at all? Taking me to grandma and grandpa’s house? I went with grandpa in the tractor, you said you were going to shoot woodchucks, I fell asleep, you didn’t come home.

 

I also remember the lump in moms throat when she said you were gone. The hurt in everyone’s eyes when they looked at me during the funeral. I wasn’t sad at first, in fact it took me years to be sad.

I was sad when I was 8 and didn’t have a father to make a card for on Fathers Day.

I was sad when I was 14 and so confused about everything. I wanted to hate you so bad for what you did.

I was sad when I was 16 because you weren’t there to teach me to drive. Or when I broke up with a boy friend and needed someone to talk to.

I was sad when I was 18 and you weren’t at my graduation. Or when I was sexually assaulted at college. When I spent months drunk and high so I didn’t think about it.

I was angry when I was physically assaulted by a “boyfriend” and you weren’t there to protect me.

I was sad when I met my now husband and you weren’t there to meet him.

I was sad when I got in engaged and couldn’t call you.

It broke my heart when I got married and you couldn’t walk me down the isle.

It broke my heart when we found out we were pregnant with our first child, when we found out it was a boy, and when I had him. I sat alone in that room holding your grandson crying because you weren’t able to meet him. He looked just like you.

I was sad when Emmett had to have surgery at 4 months old and you weren’t there to keep me calm.

It broke my heart when my father in law passed away. This meant Emmett didn’t have a grandpa of his own blood anymore.

It hurt me even more when we didn’t have a dad to call when we got pregnant again and were due on your birthday. Or when we found out it was a girl. She has red hair just like me and a such an attitude.

I have been angry with you for the way you left because I don’t understand. Everyday I try to think of some way of explaining to my kids why you are not here with us. I’m not sure I can even answer their questions about who you were as a person when I don’t remember. You left me with so many broke memories and unanswered questions.

I guess I just want to know why?

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